Dax, Quacks, Bionic Clunk, Inca Kola (again), Victor Meldrew says, the dreaded “R” (part II), Red, Red Wine and Think Positivo!

Good morning Folks

I trust you had a most spectacular weekend.
Welcome to my weekly round-up from the city of noisy noise.


The word Dax conjures up one of 3 possible images.

1) Dax.

The finest hair wax in the land! Short & Neat, Wave & Groom, Super Neat, High & Tight, Neat Waves & more. This stuff will grease up your pillowcase like nothing else. It is ace & I would give my right arm for a tin out here, it does not exist :-(

2) Dax

The Doctor’s No.1 Feathered Fan.
(Full story HERE)

3) Dax

Honda’s superb little Monkey Bikes! For some reason, they are rife out here. People love them (& of course there are countless Chinese copies, such as this unfortunately named mini-Clunk!)
I considered buying one for a nano-second. 
They run forever & ever & do about 200mpg. However with my lankiness & their horizontal challengedness, we would look a very odd couple indeed.

On Friday I saw a bike that turned my eye even more than usual. Buzzing down Av. Javier Prado (the main route in/out of Lima heading east/west) was a Dax monkey bike with a difference. Not exactly a Chopper, more like on stilts! The rider’s feet were a good 3ft off the tarmac. He wasn’t exactly tall either, so I’m not sure how he’d have reached the floor?

There is a good little write-up about this diminutive flying machine HERE:


The Bolivian Death Cough had developed into asthma last week. This week I was summoned for x-rays & Tomography. I had no idea what this involved until last Monday. The Doctor was a friendly sort. He asked me where I came from.

I’ve lapsed into a bit of a bad habit with this question.

Not many people have heard of Leeds, so I say that I am from a city located between Manchester & Newcastle. 
(Which is a bit like saying that England is between Nigeria & Newfoundland!)
Both known here for their football links, especially The Toon, due to NE connections with Callao’s favourite trumpet playing son, Solano. The Doctor was delighted as he told me he was moving to Newcastle next year.
He’ll be able to check out Nobby’s new restaurant “Solano’s” then.

Anyway, 3 days later I was told to collect my results. An ambitious trip on the bus with the Nipper (& no pram). 
When I picked up the huge, outsized envelope I was told I’d have to come back to see the Doctor.
“Can I leave these here then?”
was the reply. 
So I lugged them home, with the bairn & the shopping.

Then I lugged them back again later that day. Another Doctor then gave me a prescription that would make Zammo blush. 
3 horse tablets twice a day & then come back for some more in a week, I was told. My medical Spanish is a tad limited, so I’m not exactly sure what is wrong with me. Have been feeling a bit Barry White for a while now.
If the pills don’t kill me, they might put me right, hopefully!

Bionic Clunk!

The see-saw of bike value Vs. amount of bra$$ you spend on it to keep it running was tipped (in the wrong way) some time ago. It is the Steve Austin of the Clunk world. The recent engine re-build was not on the plans when I bought it in March. It was not my best ever acquisition, but I do love the little red Thumper.

Yesterday was supposed to see a huge overhaul; new chain, sprockets, brake disc, a speedo that works & most importantly, replacement of the ailing fork seals. (I’m riding it as little/lightly as possible, but these roads do test even a good suspension!)
Yesterday never happened, as didn’t happen last weekend. My Mechanic has gone AWOL, with my bra$$…
I have a sneaky feeling that I may have had my pantalones pulled down. I seriously hope I’m wrong, time will tell.

Money is the root of all evil & often transactions that go awry end in bad feelings (at least for half of the people involved).
It’s not a lot of money; it’s more about trust.
Watch this space…

Inca Kola (again)!

The dreaded moment arrived when I ran out of books.
My collection exhausted! Luckily I have a shocking memory, so I can just re-read what I have read. The mighty “Inca Kola” is a book about Peru that I must have read at least 20 times, but it is a classic.

If you were ever thinking of heading out this way, do read this book first (& also let me know please, you could maybe bring me a book or two, & some teabags, please!)

Victor Meldrew says…


In a word, turn-it-down!
The whingeing one has had a moan about this before, but it’s worth mentioning again. Sleep is a wonderful thing (I’m told). 
For anybody who has had nippers, or anyone who has worked shifts, sleep is especially sacred. I did shifts for 7yrs & automated cold-callers, roadworks, door-to-door-salespeople were my worst enemies.

The Wee One is either part vampire, or part robot (or half-half). 
In a nutshell she just doesn’t want to go to sleep, ever. We’ve failed dramatically with getting her into any kind of routine. 
3 house moves probably haven’t helped, but midnight every night invariably sees me doing countless laps of the local park with her in the pram.

Thursday night at midnight saw (or heard) the following:
- A thrash metal band starting (!) their nightly practice.
- A Cumbia concert which sounded like it was outside the door, full blast, until 4:30am
- The bloke upstairs slamming his metal door shut 4 times.
- 5-tone car alarms going off left, right & centre.
- The Panamericana in full flow, an incessant hornfest.
- Dogs howling out the front, dog whining out the back. 

(I’m not selling it very well am I?)

Whenever I mention this to anyone, there is an air of  “Yes, I suppose it is noisy” but with an air of acceptance. Nobody ever moans about, nor does anything about it. This was on a Thursday, the weekend is even worse. It is almost like people either are deaf, or just don’t give a monkey’s (I’ll give short odds on the second). 
Whenever I’m up early/late, I tiptoe around the house like a mouse, but I’m in a minority of one. A bit of P&Q would be amazing.

Victor Meldrew says “Piense Varon! For crying out loud, turn it down, a bit, please!”

Red Red Wine…

Brum’s reggae merchants were in town on Friday. Along with Mr. Boombastic. 
When I first lived here, there was a disco across the way that used to play the same songs every night, in the same order. I regularly used to drift off to the land of nod to the strains of “Red, red wine” (& car alarms). 
Lima is at last seeing an upsurge in the number of artists playing here. In the past any groups on Latin American tours used to by-pass Peru, partly due to the problems with rampant piracy.

Nowadays, with the economic situation, people appear to have more disposable income available for gigs. It’s a good thing (although I didn’t rush to see Katy Perry when she was here!)
By all accounts the Kingston Towners were almost upstaged by Shaggy…

The dreaded “R” (part II)…

It is incredible that one single letter can cause so much chaos in one man’s life! I am course talking about the pesky “RRRR” sound. A sound that eludes me, a sound that I dream I can make (& still can’t) & a sound that makes a big difference. There are two words that sound similar, if said by a man who cannot pronounce the “R”

- Cargar (to charge)
- Cagar (to do a numero dos)

It raised a few eyebrows when I said that I really needed to take a dump on my mobile. Desperate times call for desperate measures!

Think positivo!


I would like to first of all thank you if you have read this far & also if you are one of my pair of regular readers, muchas gracias!

There may have been a few past blogs that have been the reading equivalent of listening to Radiohead. Apologies. I don’t glamorize what I write. I just write what I’m thinking at that moment in time. Nowhere is Paradise & life would be depressingly dull if it was easy all the time.

Moving to Peru has been a HUGE transition. Much, much bigger than I thought. Emigrating with a 9mth old bairn, to the other side of the World was ambitious & there has been friction, arguments, cultural differences, tantrums, frayed tempers, shot nerves and “That’s it!” moments. (All from me!) Whether (or not) it was one of my better harebrained ideas remains to be seen. I don’t know!

It’s taken some settling in. (The Nipper adapted straight away).
I was lucky to land an awesome job that I love. Everything else, the rest, I’m still not sure. However, I’ve given myself a rocket & a talking-to & have decided that we should always make the most of what we have (& not what we don’t have).

I’ve got my positive head on again.

I miss my folks, my mates, manners & a decent pie (& ready meals, I’d give my right arm & left leg for a freezerful of frozen lasagna, cottage pie & pizzas!)

I sometimes yearn for a day out on the Lakeland fells.

Running/slogging up Clough Head at dusk, climbing a ridge on a cold & misty hurly-of-a-day, brewing up in a tent overlooking Angle Tarn at dawn, an ODG pint after a knackering day on at the tops.

However, there are many things that Lima & Peru do offer.

I should be more grateful & I apologise for all the noses I’ve put out of joint since January.
Especially to Lina & her Mum. Sorry.

Onwards & upwards!

Have yersen a superbly splendid week.
Hasta la proxima :-)

Johnny, Lina & the Nipper x

6 thoughts on “Dax, Quacks, Bionic Clunk, Inca Kola (again), Victor Meldrew says, the dreaded “R” (part II), Red, Red Wine and Think Positivo!

    1. Johnny Bravo Post author

      Muchas gracias amigo :-)
      Thank you for your very kind words.
      As long as people keep reading (& although I use people as a plural there, I realise that at times it may be singular), I’ll keep rambling.
      Hope you’re well on the road to recovery mate.
      Stay awesome!

  1. Jason Kavanagh

    Another reader and fellow CELTA survivor, read it every week here in the ‘Land of the Morning Calm’ and have a chuckle. Keep up the good work, its now part of my routine and I don’t like change.

    1. jason kavanagh

      I’ll be here every week vicariously fighting/living the dream in Lima. I preferred Arequipa myself though I realise they consider themselves a separate country within the country. Korea aint got anything like LIma – not sure if that is a pro or a con….


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